Because I’ve always been certain I would fail to follow through, and because I find the entire concept as irritating as a sandpaper codpiece (I gave mine away after six months), I have never made a single New Year’s resolution. But this year, desperate for a timely blog topic, I have compiled a list of 19 things that I will attempt to accomplish, knowing I may fail. Here they is:
1. Learn proper grammars.
2. If you’re going to do something, make it matter.
3. Blame a stranger for your mistakes (if any).
4. Ask a random three-year-old to help you tie your shoes, even though they have no laces. When they fail, say, “It’s your fault if I trip over them and die.” Then trip.
5. Try to write (or at least begin writing) another novel as good as you think Ways of Leaving is.
6. Calm down.
7. Stop boasting about your incredible intelligence and talent, which everyone can obviously see anyway, and of which there are so darned many examples including, but not limited to … .
8. Try harder than you think you can.
9. Every once in a while, tell the truth. This will confuse everyone. A week later, shyly confess that you were lying.
10. Do as much as you can to make this book a success.
11. Find a wealthy person with memory problems and remind him/her about the money you lent him/her.
12. Do something good for the planet.
13. Steal someone’s clothes.
14. Give more than you take.
15. Replace a friend’s shampoo with Gulden’s mustard.
16. Live up to your potential.
17. Legally change your name to Smarty Pants.
18. Create something of value.
19. Use the following code when you have absolutely no plans to follow through: “I have compiled a list of things that I will attempt to accomplish, knowing I may fail.”
Mustard is great. Plastic container is terrible