Top Ten Tips for Serious Writers

1.) Never use nouns.

Too often do we see nouns getting in the way of the action. If there’s some skittering or scudding going on, I don’t want to be bothered with the skitterer or scudder. I want some action and I want it now. Of course that has nothing to do with writing and everything to do with my sexual incontinence.

2.) Never use verbs.

I want to see the object clearly. I don’t want to have to follow the stupid sonofabitch all over creation. Just hold still for Christ’s sake so I can grab hold of you and squish you.

3.) No more punctuation.

Sure Cormac McCarthy went some distance toward eradicating punctuation but in the end he didnt have the courage of his convictions I say stamp out all commas and for heavens sake NO MORE PERIODS Remember the use of a period offends ALL women

D.) get rid of all those cheesy capital letters.

they are just big egomaniacs and everyone knows it.

$.) Here’s one I know we can agree upon: Let’s be rid of the letter “c.”

The damned letter has two sounds, BOTH of which have already been taken by other, far superior letters.

Ver. 7.56) The use of the following phrase should be a capital offense: “Tiny penis.”

I am sick to death of seeing that phrase on everything from divorce papers to Dear John letters.

3.) Whatever.

Blah blah

15c.) Plots suck.

If you’ve been writing for a few years you know how frustrating it can be to try to make a bunch of words into an actual story. I say, “screw it.” Why not just throw down a bunch of words, if you really think it’s necessary, and be done with it. Most people can’t read for sour apple shit anyway.

Oops, gotta go. Penis enlargement classes are beginning.

Wait! I almost forgot: No more plural. This planet is already too crowded.


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