Friendly Rejections Inc. is proud to announce a brand new service for writers who are darned sick and tired of waiting weeks or months for impersonal rejections, or even worse, no response at all! At Friendly Rejections we save you both time and money while taking the bitter stinging sting out of those pesky form rejections that sting. And we guarantee a swift and friendly response.
How many times have you trudged to the local Post Office, where you had to wait in line of angry and impatient Postal Service consumers for as much as an hour or more, only to be treated like Postal Service consumer, and then charged, not only to send your manuscript out, but for the postage to return it to you?
That’s right! With the old system you actually had to pay money for the honor of being informed that “Your manuscript isn’t quite right for us,” or is “Not what we’re looking for at this time,” or “Despite its obvious merit, we didn’t even bother to read the stupid title, you dolt,” or “No, I don’t want to sleep with you.”
Not any more! Now, with our brand new custom rejection service, you just hop onto the Internet, pop us an email, and within twenty-four stress-free hours we will send you a personal rejection that describes what we liked most about your work and precisely why we regret that we are unable to use it at this time! Imagine a rejection letter that notes the easy flow of your prose, the unshakeable confidence of your line breaks, the natural quality of your attributions, your knack for detailed description of farm animals’ nether regions; imagine a rejection letter that compares your punctuation to some of the finest in the last century! Imagine being informed, in the gentlest words possible, that, although we can’t use your compelling and extremely well written story this month, we would cherish the opportunity to consider your work again and again in the coming months!
Well now this isn’t some distant dream. Now this is an actual true reality! Honest to gosh!!
Friendly Rejections Inc. offers several different services for our different types of customers.
The Economy Plan (No story required!)
At just $1.00 per submission, this is the most affordable and by far the cheapest and least expensive service we offer. Simply send us an email with the subject line “Submission” and within twenty-four stress-free hours you will receive a personal response explaining that due to the increase in the cost of running a print publication we will be unable to use your story, which would definitely have appeared in our next edition if there were one.
Random Compliments Plan
At only $2.00 per submission this will is likely to be our most popular plan.
Simply send us an email with “submission” and the title of your story (if you haven’t written a story simply type in the words “too lazy to bother”) and within twenty-four stress-free hours you will receive one of thousands of randomly generated rejections, incorporating your title or, for those of you who have chosen the “too lazy to bother” option, one of our own choosing. And don’t worry: no single email address will ever receive the same rejection twice! That’s just how sophisticated our new system is. And that’s not all! At no additional cost to you, we will include names of actual agents you should contact immediately! (For legal reasons we ask that you don’t mention us by name if you’re dumb enough to contact them.)
For the discriminating customer the Deluxe plan is the only way to go. And for only $5.00 per submission it still costs less than mailing your manuscript off to some stranger who couldn’t care less whether you live or die a horrible painful suffering death, a stranger who as likely as not will use your return postage to send bonbons to some already famous and incredibly overrated author, some literary celebrity who gets a new story published every three weeks and has already had six of his eighteen novels made into films starring Anthony Hopkins or some other gap-toothed British actor who gets to date young Hollywood starlets you can only fantasize about in the shower, and only when you really concentrate. But what do we give you for your $5.00? Well give me a god-damned minute and I’ll tell you.
Simply send us an email with “Deluxe Submission” and any title you choose (including any title of any other author’s work), and within twenty-four blah-blah hours, you will receive the following:
- 1: A personal rejection with specific comments on what we liked most about your work, your style, your fonts, and even your winning personality.
- 2: A request to submit again next month—EVEN IF NEXT MONTH DOESN’T FALL INTO ONE OF OUR STANDARD READING PERIODS!
- 3: One of hundreds of randomly generated explanations as to precisely why we are unable to use your work at this time. Examples include:
- A: Frankly, it was just too darned good for us.
- B: We didn’t want to embarrass our more famous authors, many of whom tend to be a little touchy.
- C: Remember Orson Welles and “War of the Worlds?”
- D: Our editors are really just a bunch of frustrated writers who are deeply jealous of anyone with as much talent as you clearly display.
- E: You’re just a few dozen years ahead of your time, but don’t worry: When you’re dead you are going to be incredibly famous!
- F: I’m sorry, (just fill in famous author’s name), but you can’t fool me. I’d know your fine work anywhere.
For only $2 more we will quote some of our favorite passages from your work (actual human tearstains added upon request).
For an additional $1.50 we’ll strongly suggest you send your work on to the New Yorker or, if you prefer, we’ll tell you that you “out-Carvered Carver.” Due to increased demand the charge will be $3.00 if you choose the “out-Hemingwayed Hemingway” option. (Custom options are also available)
And for only $5.00 more per submission we will pass your work on to our brand new affiliate, Friendly Agent Rejections, Inc., where you will find a friendly and supportive staff ready to encourage you for as long as you can stand it.
Yearly Membership Plan
For those who don’t want to be bothered by the time-consuming task of sending out a submission every time they feel the need for another rejection, and those who want the guarantee of reliable, quality rejections throughout the year, this plan is a must!
For only $250 a year, or monthly payments of $12.00, you can count upon ten rejections from the Economy Plan, ten rejections from the Random Compliments Plan, and an amazing twenty-five rejections from the Deluxe Plan. And that’s not all! Either? You will also receive twelve “Out-Carvered Carvers,” and ten “Out-Hemingwayed-Hemingways” (for as long as supplies last, after which time we will substitute, at our discretion, either “Out-O’Connored O’Connors” or “Out-Munroed Munros” or some combination thereof). And there’s more! We will automatically forward five of the submissions you didn’t even have to make to the friendly and supportive folks at our affiliate, Friendly Agent Rejections, Inc. That’s a value of… well… a lot! We’re pretty sure! Too?
Remember, you can always waste your time and limited energy by writing a story, printing it out and sending it off to some nameless, faceless editor’s assistant’s assistant, some pimply teenager who, like, you know, probably just got out of, like, you know, school, or, like, whatever. You can spend your spouse’s hard-earned money on paper and toner and postage and then wait for the inevitable pain of rejection. Sure, you can play the same old game the same old way. Or you can use Friendly Rejections Inc.
Remember, with Friendly Rejections, Inc. You can:
- — Save precious time.
- — Save valuable money.
- — Reserve precious energy for important things, like sniffing earwax or trying to make your feet into fists.
- — Get the positive feedback we all need, whether you deserve it or not!
- — Feel proud of yourself, even if you’re a total loser!
- — Show off to your friend and/or colleague.
- — Fool yourself into believing the crap we send you.
Let us help you help yourself to help you to feel better about not feeling so bad about the fact that you shouldn’t feel so bad. And now, with Friendly Rejections, Inc. you don’t have to. Anymore! So take the sting out of sucking, and fail with a smile.