Saint Valentine (in latin, Sellus Mondo Flowerus) is a widely publicized third-century Roman busy-body cursed by millions on February 14 and associated since the High Middle Ages (so known because of the discovery of cannabis smokus pokus) with a tradition of desperate last-minute expenditures. Nothing is reliably known of St. Valentine except his name and the fact that he had close ties to 1-800-FLOWERS. Coincidentally, he died on February 14, Valentine’s Day! It is uncertain whether St. Valentine is to be identified as one saint or two saints of the same name, since they were all so stoned they couldn’t count. A variety of divergent martyrologies have been added to later hagiographies that are unreliable mainly because these words are confusing and difficult to pronounce.
Today, Saint Valentines Day, also known as the Feast of Disposable Income, is an official feast day for the Florists’ Union as well as the Society of Overpriced Chocolatiers.