1. Pick up a violin at the classical musical instrument department at Wal-Mart or your favorite violin store.
2. Check out a couple instructional videos on youtube.
3. Practice your technique for a week or two (if it doesn’t just come naturally).
4. Write and begin fine-tuning your crispy new concerto. (This might take weeks, even a month or two if you have other stuff to do, but at the end of that time you’ll definitely have yourself one high quality concerto.)
5. Record your concerto with a major record company.
6. Do an international concert tour (focus on the large halls).
7. Enjoy the limelight, maestro!
Now, I’m guessing most people who aren’t in congress probably realize how ridiculous that is. And yet many people apparently believe that anyone can write a compelling, or, for that matter, even a readable book, a book that, if there is any justice, will become a bestseller.
Perhaps it’s the dreaded “Anyone can do that” syndrome.
“Hey, I’ll just make up some characters, like the ones on TV or in the Harry Potter books or one of them there Blockbuster movies, and presto!, I’ll have myself a fictional novel. Or maybe I’ll write about my own kooky and amazing life, which everyone says has been pretty darned kooky and amazing, particularly when after buying them a few drinks I glare at them and say, ‘Don’t you think my kooky life has been pretty darned amazing? Don’t you? Huh?’ With spellcheck and one of those word synonym thingies what could go wrong? If it isn’t perfect when I’m done I’ll simply toss in a couple sex-crazed vampire spies.
Or maybe I should just start with the sex-crazed vampire spies and add some hot romance, the kind I’ve always fantasized about but never experienced with another actual person, damn it. A ravishing woman with substantial bosoms and firm buttoxen meets a mysterious handsome rich guy with great abs and a sexy but somehow dark glint in his eyes. They have a passionate sex-crazed romance on his yacht, but then it turns out he’s married! To a vampire!!! He’s in her power!!!!! LOOK AT THOSE TITS!!!!!!!!! Then some stuff happens, good, exciting spy stuff, whatever, I can just fill that in with gobs of unexpected surprises and some plot twists and explosions or whatnot.
I’ll probably get rich and famous like that woman with the 50 Shades book. When she started out she was just an unknown, unexceptional dimwit with no writing experience and, really, no ability and, if we’re being honest, not even half an idea. But now she’s a rich, famous, unexceptional dimwit with no writing experience or ability and not even half an idea. What more could anyone want?
If, for some reason, it doesn’t work out, I can always fall back on my concerto. Maybe I’ll write it in E minus or one of those really popular keys.