Based on the latest government statistics that I just made up, approximately 17 trillion bloggers are currently active on the Internet, 56 billion users check their Facebook pages 143 times every eight minutes, and 8,344 new twitter accounts are created every 30 seconds on alternate Tuesdays in Duluth.
At a time when most people would rather cultivate toe fungus than read anything more demanding than an abbreviated street sign, there is a superfluity of verbal noise pouring forth like seawater through a cheesecloth submarine, all of it vying for the dispersed attention of a chronically fickle public, a public overdosed to the point of numbness on fluff and flapdoodle.
So how—without appealing to man’s basest inclinations, without stooping to posting sexually explicit images or videos of a drunken chimpanzee performing brain surgery with an eggbeater (this, incidentally, is how you create a congressperson)—how can one ever expect to gain and retain the attention of a faithful audience?
I’ll be damned if I know, but be sure to tune in next week when I’ll be posting videos of a drunken chimpanzee performing brain surgery with a sexually explicit eggbeater.
Don’t forget to tip your waitresses and bartenders.